MindyLou Paresi was still wading through the life-shattering shock of losing her husband in a suicide attack in Afghanistan when she started navigating the departments at Joint Base Lewis-McChord to complete the necessary paperwork. Grieving and facing the overwhelming task of organizing a myriad of details following her husband’s death while still taking care of her home and her nine year old daughter, she headed to Fort Lewis. Carrying a heavy briefcase full of forms she thought she might need, she visited several offices and explained her situation. She was about to receive another shock.
Some of the awards and mementoes presented to MindyLou Paresi in honor of her husband, Master Sergeant (Retired) Dane Paresi.
“I thought I’d be guided and supported,” MindyLou said of her initial belief in the military system after her husband was killed. Retired Army Master Sergeant Dane Paresi had served 27 years in the army prior to working for security contractor Xe Services at the time of his heroic death in December. (See related article in the February issue of the Clipper.) Instead of the help she expected, she made the rounds of army departments and faced a mountain of paperwork on her own without the one-on-one assistance that an active duty spouse would receive. When asked if she had heard of any others who experienced similar treatment, she stated emphatically, “Hundreds.”
Because MindyLou doesn’t want other military widows and widowers to experience the lack of guidance that she did when trying to obtain and complete the required paperwork, she has created the Paresi Promise to help others in her situation. MindyLou explained, “The Paresi Promise in its inception will be a non-profit organization ensuring that surviving spouses of retired military would have the same services as active duty spouses. Our mission is compassionate assistance and clear information, specific to the family needs.”
One of the items that the Paresi Promise would provide is an information package to clarify what’s needed after the death of a retired military spouse. “The paperwork is ungodly,” MindyLou emphasized as she recalled the mound of forms she had to complete. “You have to know military jargon.”
MindyLou Paresi holds one of the many flags she received following the heroic death of her husband, Master Sergeant (Retired) Dane Paresi.
MindyLou recalled her experience visiting several offices at Fort Lewis after Dane’s death: “I was walking around and had this 20 pound briefcase full of paperwork because I didn’t know what I’d need or wouldn’t need.” There were some services, such as a VA grant and an entitlement bill, that she wasn’t told about, and the meetings took place in public rather than in private. “I went to the VA,” she recalled. “The sergeant told me ‘sign in’. I had to stand out in the waiting room and explain my situation to him. I wasn’t even offered a seat.”
When asked how her treatment would have differed if Dane had been on active duty at the time of his death, MindyLou responded, “I would have had a casualty assistance officer with me 24/7. They would have put $100,000 in our account.” All active duty uniformed service members’ families are also provided with a casket and funds to cover funeral costs.
A retirement and VA disability payment was taken out of her account in error after Dane’s death on December 30. “That was rescinded wrongly,” MindyLou said. “The thing that really stands out in my mind is that it takes a phone call to take your money away and a death certificate and TWO witnesses to get it back. How is this right? How does this happen?” she questioned.
Asked what she thinks Dane would have said about this treatment, she remarked, “I think it would be a great disappointment but he would be very happy that XE and the CIA have taken care of us. “It’s overwhelming the support,” MindyLou marveled, “not only from them, but from DuPont and Steilacoom.”
“Why are we less important?” she asked regarding the treatment of retired versus active duty personnel. “It all comes down to money and legislation.” She’s trying to remedy both those conditions. “I want this to go to the legislative branch so this will become a bill that passes and I hope and wish for the support of the people of this great nation,” MindyLou said. “What I want is a casualty packet for surviving spouses. I want a resource person to explain the casualty payments. Right now there’s absolutely nothing in place.” She’d also like to ensure that a bereavement room is available at each military installation. MindyLou feels strongly that the Paresi Promise would eliminate some of the confusion and isolation that accompanies those who have lost a retired military spouse. “What about the 80 year old woman whose husband has just died?” MindyLou questioned. “With the Paresi Promise, they’ll know where to go.”
She has begun approaching legislators to urge the adoption of her program. She spoke with a representative of U.S. Senator Patty Murray, and contacted U.S. Senator Ron Wyden from Oregon and U.S. Congressman Adam Smith. “They have all been receptive,” MindyLou commented. “I’ll inform the senators, congressmen, and legislators that we need to talk. I will fly to DC and see them. I’ll do what it takes to get legislation passed.”
“My purpose is to bridge the gap between retired military and active duty service families, guiding them through the maze of paperwork,” MindyLou stated. “I’m passionate about bridging this gap. This is the way I’m honoring Dane beyond his heroism. We’re continuing his legacy. This is my promise; to help people and walk with them in their time of sorrow.”
MindyLou’s Tips for Preparing for a Loss:
Talk with your spouse about what would happen in the event of his/her death: “It’s a very morbid conversation, but Dane and I talked about it,” she said.
Make sure you have three months of pay: Survivor benefits “normally don’t start for two to three months,” she explained.
Switch from Serviceman’s Group Life Insurance to Veteran’s Group Life Insurance at retirement: “It’s worth it,” Lou stated.
Visit the paresipromise.org site for additional information.
You Can Help Support the Paresi Promise by purchasing “Celebrating Dane” bracelets – available for $5 each at Forza Coffee in DuPont. Also, contact legislators to urge them to support the Paresi Promise.
